A year later....not great, but better

Well, it's now been over a year since I blogged for the first time. I had good intentions (story of my life). I'm going to try this again......and I'm not just talking about the blog. :)
Since I first started this blog I've graduated from college, taught my first year as a 4th grade teacher, and gotten my first tattoo! Those were probably some of the most exciting/stressful things I've ever done! I made it, though. With all my doubts and insecurities, I did it. Which leads me to the topic of the day---my insecurities.
I'm not going to go into the gory details of how I learned this lesson, but I will say I have grown so much in this field in a short amount of time. I have realized that my never-ending self-loathing and talk of failing was doing nothing but digging me deeper into the black hole I started years ago. It was pushing people I loved away from me. It was pushing me away from me.....the me I wanted to be.
I have been acting like a child and feeling so sorry for myself. I've been (knowingly or un-) using my self-pity as a lure for reassurance and attention. I could go on and on. The point is NONE of these actions were helping me get past the issue and move toward my goals! I've done a lot of introspection and have decided that I'm tired of being afraid to fail. I'm tired of being weak, meek, and pitiful. I'm ready to be accountable, strong, and brave. THOSE are the actions that will help me achieve. THAT'S the me I want to be.
So, with this in mind, I am now embarking on a life-long journey to be me. I will commit to taking care of my wonderful body. I will nourish it with healthful foods. I will exercise it and make it stronger every day. I will do the same for my mind and spirit. I will face fears and conquer obstacles. I will believe.....and be divine.

I've Done It Before....I Can Do It Again.

I'm terrified of failing again. I say 'again' because even though I swore it wouldn't happen, it did.....I failed. I have had a weight problem since 1994. I FINALLY did something about it and lost 50 pounds two years ago. It was fabulous. I was wearing size 10 jeans and shopping anywhere I wanted. My relationship with my husband (we married in '95) was renewed and my energy levels were through the roof! I ate up the compliments and stares like they were the chocolate cake I had been avoiding! It's hard to put into words how losing that weight made me feel each and every day.

Now, here's the part where I failed. After losing said weight, I didn't stick with the maintenance program set forth by the diet place I had been visiting 3x/week. My mindset was that of a person who met a goal and was now finished with the task. That was my first mistake. The second was reverting back to ALL my old habits. All my old habits were what got me in that state in the first place! Anyway, I've since gained back all 50 pounds PLUS 25 more on top of that. :(

Now words cannot express how it feels to be back at square 1 (actually negative square 1). I want so badly to be back where I was for a short time. I want to be healthy, sexy, energetic, and confident. I want to feel a little pride again. But how to do that? I have such a hard time with discipline and motivation. People on the outside who have never had a weight problem tend to think that people like me are lazy and out-of-control. At least that what's I think they think. Or am I just transferring my own thoughts and fears onto them?

Now is the time to get back on track. I have to make it work. I'm tired of feeling defeated. I'm tired of feeling tired. I want to get back to that place where I'm free of this for good.